Enigma

09:21 am - Real

Current Mood: restless

08:54 am - kuya

sbe nya date, wen we were about to part pero nde natuloy... aus na cia kung mulka sa kanya eh matuto akong maghandle nang maayos ng relationship.. if i learn from him what sacrifice is.. i want to change now because of him.. but he would no longer accept me even though i'd change.. it's still him i only love, no one else.. but if ever i get into another relationship since we really are no longer us, i know it would be unfair to that person since i love kuya and only him... i cannot give the same love to anyone again but i am willing to care and handle a relationship as best as i could.. i don't want what kuya taught me and made me realize be taken for granted now that what he had taught me was how not to take things for granted.. if i'd be in another relationship sometime sooner or later i want kuya to know that it is only him i love this way.. i could never love anyone else as i love him.. i wish him the best if he no longer wants me back.. and i want to tell him he is the greatest thing that ever happened to my life..

04:10 pm - how sad..

bakit hindi ko na masabi sa sarili ko at sa iba ang tulad ng naririnig ko sa kanila:
'MASAYA AKO NGAYON!'?

Current Mood: depressed

04:08 pm - help!

nde ko alam ang isusulat ko.. trip lang para may bago
waaaaahhhhhh!!!!! gusto ko na magpalit ng kurso! ano kukunin ko? help!!!

07:06 pm - bedside part two

on second thought...

when i had an operation due to appendicitis back in march, it gave us a reason to be together again. he visited me and we were reunited. now, we're apart again. i was thinking, would another hospitalization get things back the way it was before?

now i wish to be sick again. maybe he'd visit me and things will be the way they used to be. i want to feel that happiness again finding him at my bedside, holding my hand already asleep from watching over me.

maybe another confinement is what i need to get him back again. i wish to be sick.

but what if he comes by my bedside with no intent to return to our relationship? what if he only visits me to see if i'm alright then goes away after?

should i wish for a fatal illness that i would be sure i'll die in his presence? so that i could be with him til my very last breath? that i would make him believe how much he matters to me and that i would rather die with him than with anyone else? that at least he was my first priority for one time. that i need him much with me?

then if that is the case, let me be sick and be with him til the end of my days.

08:58 am - bedside

i've been busy lately, or was i? my sister had just been dicharged last evening from a 5-day confinement at St. Luke's Hospital. She had dengue. I was often there, nearly everyday, giving a visit and bringing her something to eat and wear. I was also there to assist her in dressing and doing her stuff in the CR. Moreso, i was there to entertain. She used to be in a private room but was transfered to a semi-private room a day after. She lost her tv. The only thing that puts away her boredom was the discman i brought her and talking wih me,or rather, watching me and my stand-up comedy. It feels good though being a clown. she forgets her condition while i forget my own sadness even for sometime.

she envies me because when i was hospitalized some months ago, many had visited me in just a 3-day stay.

damn!i miss him.

he was beside me that time. our worlds were not okay then but was fixed because i had undergone operation. he was beside me when i was confined less than two years ago too. he was aklso beside me when i got very sick during our first anniversary. i would always feel thankful having him by the side of my bed, holding my hand while i take a rest or sleep.

but now, i don't want to get sick anymore. there could be people who would visit me but none would do the same and make me feel the same as he always does.

i have never done him the same. well, i visit him when he's sick. but i won't find him lying in bed so i can't do the same. he was never hospitalized all the time i was with him.

i guess i could never ever do the same. if ever he would be hospitalized in the future, i may never know. who will tell me? would he? would he want me in his bedside too? or would he rather go through it without me?

i don't know. may he want me beside him, i guess he wouldn't dare to tell me. or if ever i knew and try visit him, i think it won't be the same. would he even dare look at me when i'm there? i don't know.

Current Mood: sad

09:59 am - wake up!

awakening

Why I left was because I thought that I couldn’t change
And that it will hurt you more if I have stayed
Because I know I would always want my way
And I will do what I want to when I want

Why I left was because I don’t want to suffocate
For things I do, I knew you would always hate
When you’re in pain, I’ll be the only one to blame
You’ll say I’m selfish but then…
I am willing to be with you and do things you want
To be with you when you want to be with me
But it is not every time that I could be with you
I have my friends and I have things I also want to do

The problem is, you cannot fit into my world
While I try to fit in yours
Or if you can’t I only seek for you to understand
That the way I live is not the same as how you live
You stay in silence; I crowd with noise
You stay one place; I go places I dare to go
You want to sit but then what I want is to fly
Still, despite the difference of our worlds
I try to fit into yours, not hating what you do
But then you would always hate mine
That if you go into my world and be with me
Your chains will always hold back my breathing
I couldn’t be me but become someone you wouldn’t hate

I left because I thought that I am not right for you this time
And coz I know you couldn’t be my first priority
I have my dreams that I wouldn’t dare give up
I want to have the life I’ve always wished to have
With you my dreams would always find a reason to be stopped

You have your dreams which you can’t push through not because I don’t want to
But you, yourself, stop reaching them thinking you have to
..Coz I’m here
So what if I’m here, I’ll understand, and I’ll support you
Being with me must not hinder your individuality
And that’s what you do—instead of supporting, you detest me

I thought maybe, it would just be right to part our ways
I’ll find the way to my dreams and you find yours
Someday, someway, fate will bring us back together
I knew our love would be a reason to make ends meet

I left you because I want us to live our lives
As the lives we would always be living though we haven’t met
Yet you want our world to be just one and in that world we forever will live
You’re too possessive… way over possessive

Why do you hate me anyway being this way?
I warned you not to over trust but not to doubt my being
For you I am a player, I am a slut
And that was because I’m physical
What the hell’s wrong with that?
You think everything I do, comes with malice
That I’m being intimate being more than a friend
You couldn’t blame me; I am unlike you who’s distant to everybody
Who treats friends, as no more than just ordinary people, like everyone else
And I wonder why, for all the reasons…
Your mind is too narrow for such a big head…

Why I left you was for my freedom and for my dreams
Why I left you was for you to experience what freedom is and live your dreams
I am not your world; I am only a big part of it
You are not my world you’re someone that my life needs to be complete

If you still can’t understand, or couldn’t bear
The fact that you must not be kept in a little box forever
Face reality, you need others too as you need me
And you must learn to love them too though not the same as you love me

Think about it… think about it…

Current Mood: pissed off

09:00 am - ...

existence

to see you doesn not need my eyes open
to hear you does not need a sound
to feel you does not need you be here
absence is no reason to forget

closeness is not measured by distance
memories hold strong through time
the feelings will stay here forever
may you never once more be mine

the thing that binds us together
will never lose its link
coz you are a part of my being
and never will that change

may you be the one to forget what we've been through
or may you erase the memories of me
may time come that you'll regret i was once part of your history
mine has you for eternity

may life keep you away from me forever
and forever we move in two different worlds
may fate not allow our roads to cross again
what i feel for you, and what your are to me, will remain the same
-- nothing not even death will make that change

04:40 pm - kind

despite the tears
life finds a reason to make me smile
though there is pain
life lightens the burden somehow, someway
though i've lost him
which seems will be forever
life continues to give
may they not equal to him
at least... some still remains
i did not lose all..

04:38 pm - fate

destiny once held my life
to its entirety
but now i know theres no such thing
as destiny alone

i realized too late
to act now is worthless
i can't have him back...

does he want me back?

04:36 pm - fear

afraid was he to start again
to trust again that i will change
afraid of pain
to hurt again believing i wont' change

afraid was he to know the truth
to see if i will change
afraid to try
to live again, with me, believing i won't change

04:35 pm - change

never thought it was possible
'til i was willing to do so
but now it's too late
it's useless...

04:26 pm - confession

confession

it's natural to look for what's missing
natural to seek for what you have lost
not the love for love is forever
but the longing from what it had once brought
...though you may find it from another

am i to blame? i don't know...

Current Mood: confused

10:01 am - whatever

the tale's ending

I have always been to you, a slut
A bitch is all I’m worth
There’s no use to deny or defend myself
I wouldn’t falsify your word
If that really is how I am to you
Then go on and believe that I am
For although to you I am impure
I know in myself that I’m not
If I am for you to forget
With everything that we’ve had
If this is forever’s death
Then let it die, as you want
If I am to you but a dirty slut
Then bury me in your past
Let me not haunt your memories
If you never really want me back
For you said to reunite is useless
Something you ought not to do
And since it’s possible that you may find someone else
Then goodbye to the one and only one for you
But before you bid farewell, let me say
Though you wouldn’t dare to believe
That slut had been willing to change this time
If you’d allow her to return again
But since it’s too late what is left to do
Just cry over the forever lost
For the slut has her fault that things has to end
She had put things to the worst…

And as she is a slut she will live her days
As the slut you always thought she is
For she had closed the door to her heart long ago
Ever since you admitted your love for her

Now life is no longer life
And the hopes are fading
The dreams remain but dreams
And the world near its ending…

Memories are but of the past when forever was still forever…

Though this slut for you is nothing but a slut
Unbelievable may it seem, may she play with a lot
She’d always be saving a part of her for you
That part she’d never ever give up to no one else… JUST YOU

For though she often and easily falls, this slut
It was only you who has won her heart

12:12 pm - hai buhay

On Bended Knee
• Darling I, I can't explain • Where did we lose our way • 'Girl it's driving me insane • And I know I just need one more chance • To prove my love to you • And if you come back to me • I'll guarantee • That I'll never let you go •
Chorus
•Can we go back to the days • Our love was strong • Can you tell me how • A perfect love goes wrong • Can somebody tell me • How to get things back • The way they used to be • Oh God, give me the reason • I'm down on bended knee •

• I'll never walk again • Until you come back to me • I'm down on bended knee • So many nights I dream of you • Holding my pillow tight I know • That I don't need to be alone • When I open up my eyes • To face reality • Every moment without you • It seems like eternity • I'm begging you, begging you come back to me • [chorus] •

• Baby, I'm sorry • Please forgive me for all the wrong I've done • Please come back home girl • I know you put all your trust in me • I'm sorry I let you down • Please forgive
me •

• I'm gonna swallow my pride • Say I'm sorry • Stop pointing fingers • The blame is on me • I want a new life • And I want it with you • If you feel the same • Don't ever let it go • You gotta believe in the spirit of love • It will heal all things • Won't hurt any more • No I don't believe our love's terminal • I'm down on my knees • Begging you please • Come home • [repeat chorus twice] • [repeat bridge] • Wanna build a new life • Just you and me • Gonna make you my wife • Raise a family •

sorry na

Sorry na kung nagalit ka di naman sinasadya
Kung may nasabi man ako init lang ng ulo
Pipilitin kong magbago pangako sa iyo

Sorry na nakikinig ka ba? Malamang sawa ka na
Sa ugali kong ito na ayaw magpatalo
At parang sirang tambutso na hindi humihinto

Sorry na talaga kung ako'y medyo tanga
Hindi ako nag-iisip na-uuna ang galit
Sorry na talaga sa aking nagawa
Tanggap ko na mali ako wag sanang magtampo
Sorry na

Sorry na wag kang madadala
Alam kong medyo nahihirapan ka
Na ibigin ang isang katulad kong parang timang
Na paulit-ulit kang hindi sadyang nasasaktan

Sorry na saan ka pupunta?
Please naman wag kang mawawala
Kapag ako ay iwan mo mamamatay ako
Pagkat hawak mo sa iyong kamay ang puso ko

Mahal kita sobrang mahal kita
Wala na akong pwedeng sabihin pang iba
Kundi sorry talaga di ko sinasadya
Talagang sobrang mahal kita
Wag kang mawawala
Sorry na

--------------------------------------
hai buhai...
mahal kita sobrang mahal kita..

and i know i just need one more chance to prove my love to you...

--------------------------------------

Current Mood: groggy

10:11 am - putang ina

for a month eh nde ako kumakaen ng lunch.. pte merienda hangga't matitiis.. swerte na kng mkpgbreakfast..umaasang bumawe sa dinner.. pte pla tubig eh nde ko na mgwang mka 4 na baso isang araw... at least me i basong gatas ako bawat umaga..

nde ako nagdi2yeta.. gus2 kong makaipon.. nde para sken.. para sa pangakong gus2 kong matupad..

at natupad ko na nga iyon, isa sa kakarampot na bilang ng mga pangakong aking naibigay...

i knew that time how awkward it was for him as it was for me... dumating ako sa bahay nila kasama ang kuya kong ginambala ko pa para buhatin ang pagkalakilaking bagay na iyon...

he spoke for me..sinabing regalo ko iyon sa kanya... well, etong binigyan eh nagpasalamat nmn.. sa kuya ko nde sken..

he got it, at umalis na kme ng kuya ko at sumugod sa ulan. pagkalabas ng gate nila ang nasabi ko lang ay.. pano tau ngaun? pano b nmn.. umuulan nga nang malakas no!

nagreact ang kuya ko, parang wala lang reaksyon etong binigyan ng regalo... di inintindi ang ulan sa labas na aming susugurin... pinagtanggol ko nmn si gago, that he is never xpressive and i know how awkward it was for him that time...

so ngaun ano na ba talaga? ngaun lng ulit ako nagsulat dito. i've been bc... sa pagdadrama sa buhay ko besides sa pagbabasa ng maraming readings sa skul...

hindi ko alam kung ano ang kahihinatnan ng ginawa ko... maciado nmng maba2w iyon para umasang makapagbalikan kme.. i gave a sorry card wishing for a chance we could go back together... eh ano nmn.. ayaw na niya... takot ciang iwan kong muli... na babalik ako at aalisdin... parang dte... wla nga lng break-up noon...

ayaw niya na dahil hindi na niya kayang magbigay muli ng pagtitiwala... at umasa na maaayos na kami tlaga... hindi ko alam... imposible na nga yta...

iniisip ko, since mababa nmn tlga ang tingin niya skin eh panindigan ko na... pero hindi ba mas magandang patunayan ko na hindi ako katulad ng iniisip niya? ang hirap maging tanga! ang hirap maging gago at magsisi kung kelan huli na..

bahala na rin siguro kung talagang ayaw na niya.. sana nga mangyari na lang na hindi na niya ko mahal para mas madaling tanggapin na imposible na...

mamahalin ko na lang cia para sa pangakong cia lang talaga...

at ako? suffer the consequences of my deeds... kagaguhan ko panindigan ko... magkabalikan man [damn i just wish] o hindi... i'l go on with life... sa mabuti o masama, wala akong pakialam basta hindi ako makadadamay ng iba... basta buhay ko ang masisira at hindi buhay ng iba...

i wish him well... and if we're really meant for goodbye... i'l just look back to the days when our forever was still forever...bahala na...

hindi ako suicidal... gago lang...

07:09 pm - hell

this week is my hell week...

i got a long exam in sts on thursday! sts is of a senior standing. what the heck am i doing there?! i got 37 readings, if i counted correctly, and i've got not a single copy yet. 25% of my grade depends on that exam for goodness sake. how fortunate of me not to be able to download even just half of my readings from uvle'.

i got a long exam in math17 on saturday. i need at least 80% so i could recover from my 40% grade on the last exam. 60% is the passing. how am i suppossed to get that when i hate the subject and my mind is not able to pick up everything i have to pick up. i forget even the basics. damn! well, there would be a review on wednesday afternoon but how about my sts readings?!

i have a reading on philo10, the human condition, 70 pages of which not even 1/16 was absorbed and understood by my brain. worst, i would be one of the facilitators for the discussion of that reading whose author is my teacher's favorite. good luck!

looking on the brighter side, i am doing nothing in eng1. however, my teacher asked my classmates if i have dropped the subject since i was always late and was absent twice. damn! that was only twice and is because i'm sick of not learning anything from her about the subject.

philo1 is fun. thank goodness i could subtract that subject from my hell week. and i am already quite close with my seatmate. it made it even more fun.

pe is the best. ü

Current Mood: doomed

06:17 pm - dream

i dreamt of him last night... weird as it is he had a hot-air balloon with him... he told me he'd want us to fly... and i felt so much happiness with what he said...

that was all i remember. i don't know how exactly the whole story went. all i know was how happy it made me to be with him again. i'd never want us to be apart again.

but then, that was just another dream. would my story really include that, i have dreamt. i can't say. i hope it would.

all i wanted now was to assure myself he'd be with me once again. then maybe i could just keep on dreaming.

i really can't say. he could.

12:10 pm - bagot

09:57 am - if forever is over...

Regret

why is it so much easier to do what we shall not do
when we knew all along what we shall and shan't do
why is it that the force to do wrong is so much stronger
than the power to pull us away from the evil
it is always easy to tell yourself this is right and this ain't
but it is never easy to go the right way
temptations will whisper to you its dark lies
but you'll never cover your ears so as not to listen
your heart knows the truth but your mind dominates you
you feel the guilt inside you yet continue
your soul wants to stop the mistakes you're committing
but your body wants the happiness your sin brings
but then would you dare ask yourself if you're truly happy
you'd find yourself shaking your head in disagree
your heart and soul kills you coz you know you should stop
you hurt for you know you're doing things for damn shallow reasons
but it is never easy to stop doing wrong
when your body's in want and nothing can fill the wanting
but the very mistakes you thought you must let go
you'll end up letting go of what you should not...
you'll end up letting go of your self and your life...
end up with your dreams shattered, happiness all lies...
you'll end up letting go of the person you love...

when will you see that there's a need for change?
when will you start to go the right way?
you may come to realize this but then it maybe too late...

----------------------------

you say you love me still for forever you will
but when i wanted to come back you seem to reject me...

is it possible that everytime i call, you are always doing something?
then tell me why you reason out that way
coz i feel you made that excuse so that we wouldn't be able to converse with each other...

whenever i try to speak you seem to want to shut me up
answering me indifferently as if telling me to stop
that i'm wasting your time... that you don't want me back...

tell me please if you don't want to start things again
tell me if it really is over
if i could never return ...never can i be with you
for knowing it was my fault i have to deal with what i caused

are you now forgetting everything that we've had?
have you closed our book when it's only begun?
the tale you said would never come to an end?
and yes i know its because of me, i never knew it would really be this way...

if forever is over and i am yours to forget
if the only thing that'll remain is the unmeasurable love we've always felt
then i can't really force myself to someone who does not want me back
i'll live in the real world yet live in a lie --- that someday, someway you will still be mine...

Current Mood: regret