Enigma

Real

2004-09-02T01:17:05Z

Real

i knew i had faults
i knew how i've taken you for granted
i knew you sacrificed a lot
and took so much pain
but you're the one who heightened your suffering
and not i
you hated me more
than tried to accept me
you love me, said you
i feel how much you did
but the world says i'm wrong
you did not love me for real
you love who you dream i'll be
the ideal you tried to set upon me
just like how you love your computers
you want to make me an ideal
hated me coz i cannot be the being
of your fantasies
i am human, not computer
you can't program me what to be
you just have to accept or at least understand me
coz i've accepted you for what you are
i love you despite your flaws
i love you though you're not my ideal
and you're the person i love more than my ideals
but you can't love me as i am
you love who you want me to be
you love what you think i must be
you love me coz i'm your dream
but your dream is not me...
but someone else you want to set within me
sadly, this is me
i may not be your ideal
but i love you for real
you wouldn't find another
brave enough to show you reality
i may not be who you want me to be
but i can be the one who loves you honestly

kuya

2004-08-30T01:49:55Z

sbe nya date, wen we were about to part pero nde natuloy... aus na cia kung mulka sa kanya eh matuto akong maghandle nang maayos ng relationship.. if i learn from him what sacrifice is.. i want to change now because of him.. but he would no longer accept me even though i'd change.. it's still him i only love, no one else.. but if ever i get into another relationship since we really are no longer us, i know it would be unfair to that person since i love kuya and only him... i cannot give the same love to anyone again but i am willing to care and handle a relationship as best as i could.. i don't want what kuya taught me and made me realize be taken for granted now that what he had taught me was how not to take things for granted.. if i'd be in another relationship sometime sooner or later i want kuya to know that it is only him i love this way.. i could never love anyone else as i love him.. i wish him the best if he no longer wants me back.. and i want to tell him he is the greatest thing that ever happened to my life..

how sad..

2004-08-25T08:08:54Z

bakit hindi ko na masabi sa sarili ko at sa iba ang tulad ng naririnig ko sa kanila:
'MASAYA AKO NGAYON!'?

help!

2004-08-25T08:06:43Z

nde ko alam ang isusulat ko.. trip lang para may bago
waaaaahhhhhh!!!!! gusto ko na magpalit ng kurso! ano kukunin ko? help!!!

bedside part two

2004-08-22T11:01:57Z

on second thought...

when i had an operation due to appendicitis back in march, it gave us a reason to be together again. he visited me and we were reunited. now, we're apart again. i was thinking, would another hospitalization get things back the way it was before?

now i wish to be sick again. maybe he'd visit me and things will be the way they used to be. i want to feel that happiness again finding him at my bedside, holding my hand already asleep from watching over me.

maybe another confinement is what i need to get him back again. i wish to be sick.

but what if he comes by my bedside with no intent to return to our relationship? what if he only visits me to see if i'm alright then goes away after?

should i wish for a fatal illness that i would be sure i'll die in his presence? so that i could be with him til my very last breath? that i would make him believe how much he matters to me and that i would rather die with him than with anyone else? that at least he was my first priority for one time. that i need him much with me?

then if that is the case, let me be sick and be with him til the end of my days.

bedside

2004-08-20T01:13:40Z

i've been busy lately, or was i? my sister had just been dicharged last evening from a 5-day confinement at St. Luke's Hospital. She had dengue. I was often there, nearly everyday, giving a visit and bringing her something to eat and wear. I was also there to assist her in dressing and doing her stuff in the CR. Moreso, i was there to entertain. She used to be in a private room but was transfered to a semi-private room a day after. She lost her tv. The only thing that puts away her boredom was the discman i brought her and talking wih me,or rather, watching me and my stand-up comedy. It feels good though being a clown. she forgets her condition while i forget my own sadness even for sometime.

she envies me because when i was hospitalized some months ago, many had visited me in just a 3-day stay.

damn!i miss him.

he was beside me that time. our worlds were not okay then but was fixed because i had undergone operation. he was beside me when i was confined less than two years ago too. he was aklso beside me when i got very sick during our first anniversary. i would always feel thankful having him by the side of my bed, holding my hand while i take a rest or sleep.

but now, i don't want to get sick anymore. there could be people who would visit me but none would do the same and make me feel the same as he always does.

i have never done him the same. well, i visit him when he's sick. but i won't find him lying in bed so i can't do the same. he was never hospitalized all the time i was with him.

i guess i could never ever do the same. if ever he would be hospitalized in the future, i may never know. who will tell me? would he? would he want me in his bedside too? or would he rather go through it without me?

i don't know. may he want me beside him, i guess he wouldn't dare to tell me. or if ever i knew and try visit him, i think it won't be the same. would he even dare look at me when i'm there? i don't know.

wake up!

2004-08-16T01:59:53Z

awakening

Why I left was because I thought that I couldn’t change
And that it will hurt you more if I have stayed
Because I know I would always want my way
And I will do what I want to when I want

Why I left was because I don’t want to suffocate
For things I do, I knew you would always hate
When you’re in pain, I’ll be the only one to blame
You’ll say I’m selfish but then…
I am willing to be with you and do things you want
To be with you when you want to be with me
But it is not every time that I could be with you
I have my friends and I have things I also want to do

The problem is, you cannot fit into my world
While I try to fit in yours
Or if you can’t I only seek for you to understand
That the way I live is not the same as how you live
You stay in silence; I crowd with noise
You stay one place; I go places I dare to go
You want to sit but then what I want is to fly
Still, despite the difference of our worlds
I try to fit into yours, not hating what you do
But then you would always hate mine
That if you go into my world and be with me
Your chains will always hold back my breathing
I couldn’t be me but become someone you wouldn’t hate

I left because I thought that I am not right for you this time
And coz I know you couldn’t be my first priority
I have my dreams that I wouldn’t dare give up
I want to have the life I’ve always wished to have
With you my dreams would always find a reason to be stopped

You have your dreams which you can’t push through not because I don’t want to
But you, yourself, stop reaching them thinking you have to
..Coz I’m here
So what if I’m here, I’ll understand, and I’ll support you
Being with me must not hinder your individuality
And that’s what you do—instead of supporting, you detest me

I thought maybe, it would just be right to part our ways
I’ll find the way to my dreams and you find yours
Someday, someway, fate will bring us back together
I knew our love would be a reason to make ends meet

I left you because I want us to live our lives
As the lives we would always be living though we haven’t met
Yet you want our world to be just one and in that world we forever will live
You’re too possessive… way over possessive

Why do you hate me anyway being this way?
I warned you not to over trust but not to doubt my being
For you I am a player, I am a slut
And that was because I’m physical
What the hell’s wrong with that?
You think everything I do, comes with malice
That I’m being intimate being more than a friend
You couldn’t blame me; I am unlike you who’s distant to everybody
Who treats friends, as no more than just ordinary people, like everyone else
And I wonder why, for all the reasons…
Your mind is too narrow for such a big head…

Why I left you was for my freedom and for my dreams
Why I left you was for you to experience what freedom is and live your dreams
I am not your world; I am only a big part of it
You are not my world you’re someone that my life needs to be complete

If you still can’t understand, or couldn’t bear
The fact that you must not be kept in a little box forever
Face reality, you need others too as you need me
And you must learn to love them too though not the same as you love me

Think about it… think about it…

...

2004-08-16T00:57:59Z

existence

to see you doesn not need my eyes open
to hear you does not need a sound
to feel you does not need you be here
absence is no reason to forget

closeness is not measured by distance
memories hold strong through time
the feelings will stay here forever
may you never once more be mine

the thing that binds us together
will never lose its link
coz you are a part of my being
and never will that change

may you be the one to forget what we've been through
or may you erase the memories of me
may time come that you'll regret i was once part of your history
mine has you for eternity

may life keep you away from me forever
and forever we move in two different worlds
may fate not allow our roads to cross again
what i feel for you, and what your are to me, will remain the same
-- nothing not even death will make that change

kind

2004-08-13T08:41:45Z

despite the tears
life finds a reason to make me smile
though there is pain
life lightens the burden somehow, someway
though i've lost him
which seems will be forever
life continues to give
may they not equal to him
at least... some still remains
i did not lose all..

fate

2004-08-13T08:37:42Z

destiny once held my life
to its entirety
but now i know theres no such thing
as destiny alone

i realized too late
to act now is worthless
i can't have him back...

does he want me back?

fear

2004-08-13T08:35:57Z

afraid was he to start again
to trust again that i will change
afraid of pain
to hurt again believing i wont' change

afraid was he to know the truth
to see if i will change
afraid to try
to live again, with me, believing i won't change

change

2004-08-13T08:33:08Z

never thought it was possible
'til i was willing to do so
but now it's too late
it's useless...

confession

2004-08-13T08:31:18Z

confession

it's natural to look for what's missing
natural to seek for what you have lost
not the love for love is forever
but the longing from what it had once brought
...though you may find it from another

am i to blame? i don't know...

whatever

2004-08-12T02:00:38Z

the tale's ending

I have always been to you, a slut
A bitch is all I’m worth
There’s no use to deny or defend myself
I wouldn’t falsify your word
If that really is how I am to you
Then go on and believe that I am
For although to you I am impure
I know in myself that I’m not
If I am for you to forget
With everything that we’ve had
If this is forever’s death
Then let it die, as you want
If I am to you but a dirty slut
Then bury me in your past
Let me not haunt your memories
If you never really want me back
For you said to reunite is useless
Something you ought not to do
And since it’s possible that you may find someone else
Then goodbye to the one and only one for you
But before you bid farewell, let me say
Though you wouldn’t dare to believe
That slut had been willing to change this time
If you’d allow her to return again
But since it’s too late what is left to do
Just cry over the forever lost
For the slut has her fault that things has to end
She had put things to the worst…

And as she is a slut she will live her days
As the slut you always thought she is
For she had closed the door to her heart long ago
Ever since you admitted your love for her

Now life is no longer life
And the hopes are fading
The dreams remain but dreams
And the world near its ending…

Memories are but of the past when forever was still forever…

Though this slut for you is nothing but a slut
Unbelievable may it seem, may she play with a lot
She’d always be saving a part of her for you
That part she’d never ever give up to no one else… JUST YOU

For though she often and easily falls, this slut
It was only you who has won her heart

hai buhay

2004-08-07T04:17:53Z

On Bended Knee
• Darling I, I can't explain • Where did we lose our way • 'Girl it's driving me insane • And I know I just need one more chance • To prove my love to you • And if you come back to me • I'll guarantee • That I'll never let you go •
Chorus
•Can we go back to the days • Our love was strong • Can you tell me how • A perfect love goes wrong • Can somebody tell me • How to get things back • The way they used to be • Oh God, give me the reason • I'm down on bended knee •

• I'll never walk again • Until you come back to me • I'm down on bended knee • So many nights I dream of you • Holding my pillow tight I know • That I don't need to be alone • When I open up my eyes • To face reality • Every moment without you • It seems like eternity • I'm begging you, begging you come back to me • [chorus] •

• Baby, I'm sorry • Please forgive me for all the wrong I've done • Please come back home girl • I know you put all your trust in me • I'm sorry I let you down • Please forgive
me •

• I'm gonna swallow my pride • Say I'm sorry • Stop pointing fingers • The blame is on me • I want a new life • And I want it with you • If you feel the same • Don't ever let it go • You gotta believe in the spirit of love • It will heal all things • Won't hurt any more • No I don't believe our love's terminal • I'm down on my knees • Begging you please • Come home • [repeat chorus twice] • [repeat bridge] • Wanna build a new life • Just you and me • Gonna make you my wife • Raise a family •

sorry na

Sorry na kung nagalit ka di naman sinasadya
Kung may nasabi man ako init lang ng ulo
Pipilitin kong magbago pangako sa iyo

Sorry na nakikinig ka ba? Malamang sawa ka na
Sa ugali kong ito na ayaw magpatalo
At parang sirang tambutso na hindi humihinto

Sorry na talaga kung ako'y medyo tanga
Hindi ako nag-iisip na-uuna ang galit
Sorry na talaga sa aking nagawa
Tanggap ko na mali ako wag sanang magtampo
Sorry na

Sorry na wag kang madadala
Alam kong medyo nahihirapan ka
Na ibigin ang isang katulad kong parang timang
Na paulit-ulit kang hindi sadyang nasasaktan

Sorry na saan ka pupunta?
Please naman wag kang mawawala
Kapag ako ay iwan mo mamamatay ako
Pagkat hawak mo sa iyong kamay ang puso ko

Mahal kita sobrang mahal kita
Wala na akong pwedeng sabihin pang iba
Kundi sorry talaga di ko sinasadya
Talagang sobrang mahal kita
Wag kang mawawala
Sorry na

--------------------------------------
hai buhai...
mahal kita sobrang mahal kita..

and i know i just need one more chance to prove my love to you...

--------------------------------------

putang ina

2004-08-05T02:12:27Z

for a month eh nde ako kumakaen ng lunch.. pte merienda hangga't matitiis.. swerte na kng mkpgbreakfast..umaasang bumawe sa dinner.. pte pla tubig eh nde ko na mgwang mka 4 na baso isang araw... at least me i basong gatas ako bawat umaga..

nde ako nagdi2yeta.. gus2 kong makaipon.. nde para sken.. para sa pangakong gus2 kong matupad..

at natupad ko na nga iyon, isa sa kakarampot na bilang ng mga pangakong aking naibigay...

i knew that time how awkward it was for him as it was for me... dumating ako sa bahay nila kasama ang kuya kong ginambala ko pa para buhatin ang pagkalakilaking bagay na iyon...

he spoke for me..sinabing regalo ko iyon sa kanya... well, etong binigyan eh nagpasalamat nmn.. sa kuya ko nde sken..

he got it, at umalis na kme ng kuya ko at sumugod sa ulan. pagkalabas ng gate nila ang nasabi ko lang ay.. pano tau ngaun? pano b nmn.. umuulan nga nang malakas no!

nagreact ang kuya ko, parang wala lang reaksyon etong binigyan ng regalo... di inintindi ang ulan sa labas na aming susugurin... pinagtanggol ko nmn si gago, that he is never xpressive and i know how awkward it was for him that time...

so ngaun ano na ba talaga? ngaun lng ulit ako nagsulat dito. i've been bc... sa pagdadrama sa buhay ko besides sa pagbabasa ng maraming readings sa skul...

hindi ko alam kung ano ang kahihinatnan ng ginawa ko... maciado nmng maba2w iyon para umasang makapagbalikan kme.. i gave a sorry card wishing for a chance we could go back together... eh ano nmn.. ayaw na niya... takot ciang iwan kong muli... na babalik ako at aalisdin... parang dte... wla nga lng break-up noon...

ayaw niya na dahil hindi na niya kayang magbigay muli ng pagtitiwala... at umasa na maaayos na kami tlaga... hindi ko alam... imposible na nga yta...

iniisip ko, since mababa nmn tlga ang tingin niya skin eh panindigan ko na... pero hindi ba mas magandang patunayan ko na hindi ako katulad ng iniisip niya? ang hirap maging tanga! ang hirap maging gago at magsisi kung kelan huli na..

bahala na rin siguro kung talagang ayaw na niya.. sana nga mangyari na lang na hindi na niya ko mahal para mas madaling tanggapin na imposible na...

mamahalin ko na lang cia para sa pangakong cia lang talaga...

at ako? suffer the consequences of my deeds... kagaguhan ko panindigan ko... magkabalikan man [damn i just wish] o hindi... i'l go on with life... sa mabuti o masama, wala akong pakialam basta hindi ako makadadamay ng iba... basta buhay ko ang masisira at hindi buhay ng iba...

i wish him well... and if we're really meant for goodbye... i'l just look back to the days when our forever was still forever...bahala na...

hindi ako suicidal... gago lang...

hell

2004-07-26T11:09:49Z

this week is my hell week...

i got a long exam in sts on thursday! sts is of a senior standing. what the heck am i doing there?! i got 37 readings, if i counted correctly, and i've got not a single copy yet. 25% of my grade depends on that exam for goodness sake. how fortunate of me not to be able to download even just half of my readings from uvle'.

i got a long exam in math17 on saturday. i need at least 80% so i could recover from my 40% grade on the last exam. 60% is the passing. how am i suppossed to get that when i hate the subject and my mind is not able to pick up everything i have to pick up. i forget even the basics. damn! well, there would be a review on wednesday afternoon but how about my sts readings?!

i have a reading on philo10, the human condition, 70 pages of which not even 1/16 was absorbed and understood by my brain. worst, i would be one of the facilitators for the discussion of that reading whose author is my teacher's favorite. good luck!

looking on the brighter side, i am doing nothing in eng1. however, my teacher asked my classmates if i have dropped the subject since i was always late and was absent twice. damn! that was only twice and is because i'm sick of not learning anything from her about the subject.

philo1 is fun. thank goodness i could subtract that subject from my hell week. and i am already quite close with my seatmate. it made it even more fun.

pe is the best. ü

dream

2004-07-25T10:23:28Z

i dreamt of him last night... weird as it is he had a hot-air balloon with him... he told me he'd want us to fly... and i felt so much happiness with what he said...

that was all i remember. i don't know how exactly the whole story went. all i know was how happy it made me to be with him again. i'd never want us to be apart again.

but then, that was just another dream. would my story really include that, i have dreamt. i can't say. i hope it would.

all i wanted now was to assure myself he'd be with me once again. then maybe i could just keep on dreaming.

i really can't say. he could.

bagot

2004-07-25T04:12:53Z

*The \\*
Last Cigarette:	never had one
Last Alcoholic Drink:	just last night
Last Car Ride:	yesterday morning
Last Kiss:	3 nights ago
Last Good Cry:	july 11 '04... y do u nid to call a cry a good cry
Last Library Book:	i forgot
Last book bought:	libro sa ES1 na nde ko nmn maintindihan
Last Book Read:	tuesdays with morrie pero nde ko pa nttpos
Last Movie Seen in Theatres:	spiderman 2.. my first time alone in a moviehouse at the premiere
Last Movie Rented:	i dunno
Last Cuss Word Uttered:	*pke**
Last Beverage Drank:	milk
Last Food Consumed:	french toast with hershey choco syrup n hotdog
Last Crush:	dt guy who i found out 2 b my bkda's blockm8...damn!he has a gf...
Last Phone Call:	i made: dt was tuesday i guess... i received: last nyt
Last TV Show Watched:	dt old movie of daryl hannah n tom hanks in star movies
Last Time Showered:	3 hours ago
Last Shoes Worn:	2 days ago, converse aventura
Last CD Played:	best of grin department
Last Item Bought:	san miguel beer kc der was no red horse
Last Download:	months ago
Last Annoyance:	my sister
Last Disappointment:	friday night
Last Soda Drank:	i don't drink soda anymore, d last i cant remember
Last Thing Written:	notes on the human condition
Last Key Used:	n
Last Words Spoken:	internet isang oras
Last Sleep:	about 4 hours ago
Last Ice Cream Eaten:	ung consolation prize sa blockbooster
Last Chair Sat In:	monoblock d2 sa computer shop
Last Webpage Visited:	eto
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

if forever is over...

2004-07-22T01:54:48Z

Regret

why is it so much easier to do what we shall not do
when we knew all along what we shall and shan't do
why is it that the force to do wrong is so much stronger
than the power to pull us away from the evil
it is always easy to tell yourself this is right and this ain't
but it is never easy to go the right way
temptations will whisper to you its dark lies
but you'll never cover your ears so as not to listen
your heart knows the truth but your mind dominates you
you feel the guilt inside you yet continue
your soul wants to stop the mistakes you're committing
but your body wants the happiness your sin brings
but then would you dare ask yourself if you're truly happy
you'd find yourself shaking your head in disagree
your heart and soul kills you coz you know you should stop
you hurt for you know you're doing things for damn shallow reasons
but it is never easy to stop doing wrong
when your body's in want and nothing can fill the wanting
but the very mistakes you thought you must let go
you'll end up letting go of what you should not...
you'll end up letting go of your self and your life...
end up with your dreams shattered, happiness all lies...
you'll end up letting go of the person you love...

when will you see that there's a need for change?
when will you start to go the right way?
you may come to realize this but then it maybe too late...

----------------------------

you say you love me still for forever you will
but when i wanted to come back you seem to reject me...

is it possible that everytime i call, you are always doing something?
then tell me why you reason out that way
coz i feel you made that excuse so that we wouldn't be able to converse with each other...

whenever i try to speak you seem to want to shut me up
answering me indifferently as if telling me to stop
that i'm wasting your time... that you don't want me back...

tell me please if you don't want to start things again
tell me if it really is over
if i could never return ...never can i be with you
for knowing it was my fault i have to deal with what i caused

are you now forgetting everything that we've had?
have you closed our book when it's only begun?
the tale you said would never come to an end?
and yes i know its because of me, i never knew it would really be this way...

if forever is over and i am yours to forget
if the only thing that'll remain is the unmeasurable love we've always felt
then i can't really force myself to someone who does not want me back
i'll live in the real world yet live in a lie --- that someday, someway you will still be mine...

Gusto ko pang maniwala

2004-07-18T08:17:19Z

'Kung gusto mo palang makatulong sa Pilipinas eh ba't hindi ka...'

'Ano?! Magpulitiko?'

Pinutol ko ang pangungusap ni Papa sa hirit na iyon.

Pangarap kong magpiloto, o kung hindi man ay flight technician kaya kumuha ako ng kurso sa pagiinhinyero. Ayaw ni Papa na maging mekaniko lang ako ng eroplano. At ng minsan sa biyahe ay narinig niya akong naghihinaing sa hirap ng mga sabjek sa kurso ko ay sinabi niyang magnursing na lang ako dahil mataas ang demand nun sa ibang bansa at malaki ang sweldo.

Agad ko naman iyong tinugunan nang ganito:
'Ayoko. Magko-contribute lang ako sa brain-drain ng Pilipinas.'

Naniniwala siyang wala ng pag-asa ang Pilipinas. Kung kami nga raw na middle-class nang matatawag ay nakararanas pa rin ng kahirapan ay ano pa ang iuunlad ng bansa? Ang yumayaman lang daw dito ay mga pulitiko at mga negosyanteng hindi naman talaga mga Pilipino.

Sabay hihiritan niya akong kung gusto kop makatulong sa bansa ay magpulitiko ako?!

Hindi ako naniniwalang ang pagpupulitiko ang makakatulong sa bansa. Dahil kahit nasa kapangyarihan ako hangga't hindi nababago ang sistema ng Pilipinas na nabubuhay pa rin sa impluwensiya ng mga dayuhan, partikular na ng Estados Unidos ay walang pagbabagong magaganap. Hindi maililigtas sa kahirapan ang bansa kung patuloy pa ring nakapangingibabaw ang mga kurakot at walang malasakit na 'pinuno-kuno' ng bayan.

At sige nga. Kung magpulitiko ako na magiging isa sa kakarampot na bilang ng mga nasa posisyong nais magsulong ng pagbabago sa bulok na sistema ng pamahalaan, ano ang aking mapapala? Makikipagbungguan ako sa mga nagtatayugang mga bato ng mga sakim at lalaban para sa baya upang muling makakita ang mga Pilipino ng pagdanak ng dugo ng isang 'handang mamatay para sa bayan'.

Para ano?! Magsilbing mitsa ng pagkamulat ng mga Pilipino upang sila ay mag-aklas sa gobyerno na magsulong ng pagbabago tulad ng ginawa noon ng mga bayani sa Katipunan? Nawala na ang paniniwala kong ang pagbubuwis ng buhay ng isang nagmamahal sa bayan ay makasasapat para tuluyang magdulot ng pagbabago sa bansa.

Ayokong mamatay nang hindi nakikita na may pagbabago ngang naganap para sa ikabubuti ng bayan. Hindi ko nanaising mamatay para lamang sa pansamantalang pagpasok sa utak ng mga Pilipino na dapat silang kumilos para sa bansa. Kalaunan, malilimot rin nila ang dahilan ng aking pagbubuwis ng buhay. Kunwari'y gugunitain nila ako bilang bayani taun-taon subalit ang pagbabagong nais kong isulong ay patay pa rin sa pagkamatay ko.

Oo. Nais kong makatulong sa bansa. Hangad ko ang pagbabago sa sistema. Ang makitang tunay tayong malaya -- ganap na nakatatayo sa sarili nating mga paa. Ang tradisyonal na pagbubuwis ng buhay ay hindi na angkop sa ating panahon ngayon. Kung ano man ang angkop ay patuloy ko pa ring pinag-iisipan.

Hindi ko na rin alam kung maniniwala pa ako sa rebolusyon. Ilang mumunti at malakihang mga pag-aaklas na ang naganap ngunit heto pa rin tayo at naghihirap. ang layunin ng mga sinasabing mga aktibista ay mistulan pa ring mga bigong mga pangarap.

Kung gayon, ano pa ang natitirang paraan para makagawa ng pagbabago sa bayan. Gusto kong maniwala na may pag-asa pa ang Pilipinas.

Makailang ulit ko na ring narinig kay Papa ang plano niyang pagtatrabaho sa ibang bansa at pagma-migrate anmin upang magkaroon ng magandang buhay.

Ngunit ano nga ba ang hinahangad nating magandang buhay?
Ayokong takasan ang kahirapan sa Pilipinas bagkus ang kahirapan ang siyang umalis sa bawat Pilipino. Nais ong manatili sa bansa at masaksihan ang pagbabago. Gusto kong maging bahagi ng anumang nararapat na aksyon upang buwagin at tuluyang mapalitan ang bulok na sistema para sa ikauunlad ng mga Pilipino.

Ang Pilipinas ay binubuo ng milyun-milyong katao. Naniniwala akong sa populasyong ito ay ang milyun-milyong naghahangad mamuhay nang higit na maunlad kaysa ngayon. Sa milyun-milyong ito ay nakapaloob ang mga may sapat na kakayahan at katapangan para magsulong ng pagbabago. Ang pangarap ko'y makita ang bayan kong inililigtas mula sa tuluyang pagkapako sa paghihikahos at pang-aalipin ng ibang nakaaangat na bansa. May pag-asa pa ang Pilipinas. Hindi kailangang maging pulitiko tayong lahat subalit ay makaisip tayo at makapagsagawa ng pinakamabisang paraan para tayong mga Pilipino ay makapagpalakad nang wasto sa ating bayan. Pilipinas para sa mga Pilipino. Kalayaan para sa kaunlaran.

Gusto ko pang maniwala sa demokrasya-- demokrasyang totoo at hindi nadaraya. Gusto ko pa ang maghangad ng pag-asa --maghintay nang hindi sa wala. Gusto kong mamulat at kumilos ang mga Pilipino nang hangga't maaari ay walang dadanak na dugo. Gusto kong mawala ang kalbaryo ng isang magandang bayang sinira ng kasakiman ng walang malasakit na mga tao.

Kung gusto niyo rin makatulong sa bayan Pilipinas ay panindigan mo. Samahan mo akong mag-isip at maghanap ng pinakamabisang paraan sa pagbabago. Hindi kailangang ibuwis ang buhay snang hindi sigurado ang ibubunga nito.

Ang kailangan natin ay konkretong aksyon kung saan makakkita ng konkretong pagsulong. Mahirap manindigan -- mahirap maniwala lalo na't tila lahat ay sumusuko na. Kung mawawala ang takot at pag-aalinlangan -- makagagwa ng paraan. Ang paraang iyan ay nariyan lang at naghihintay na matuklasan at maisakatuparan.

Pagsisisi

2004-07-12T11:40:26Z

Sawa na nga ba siya? Wala na nga bang natitirang pag-asa na magkaayos muli ang mundo naming dalawa? Pagod na ba siya maghintay sa inaakala niyang wala na?

Ayoko matapos ang mahigit dalawang taong pagsasama at mahigit tatlong taon nang minamahal ko siya dahil lang sa kagaguhan, katangahan at pagkamakasarili ko. Gusto ko nang mabago ang takbo ng mundo. Pero paano?

Hindi ko alam kung gusto pa niyang ituloy ito. Hindi ko alam kung muli niya akong pagbibigyang bumalik sa kanya gayong ilang beses na siyang umasang maaayos ang lahat ngunit paulit-ulit na nabibigo.

Sabi ko, sa buhay, wala dapat bagay na pinanghihinayangan gayong lahat ng ginagawa ng tao ay pinili niyang gawin. Isa pa naniniwala ako sa tadhana -- na ang bawat pangyayari ay nakatalaga at nakasulat na. Subalit sa pagkakataong ito, magiging una kong panghihinayang at pagsisisi kung hindi ko mababalik at maisasaayos ang pagsasama naming dalawa. Wala na akong ibang nakikita sa hinaharap na makakasama kundi siya lang. At kung hindi lang din siya, mabuti pang wala nang kahit sino pang iba.

Wala akong ibang alam na paraan.Tulad ba nang dati ay pupunta na lang ako sa kanya, luluha at yayakap nang mahigpit na tila isang batang naligaw ng landas na nagmamakaawang tanggapin muli? Para saan ang luha ko't makailang beses na niyang nasaksihang dumaloy sa namumugto kong mga mata? Wala ring silbi ang humingi ng tawad pagkat iyo'y salita lamang na madaling sambitin ngunit mahirap panindigan.

Sa dami ng mga taong dumating sa buhay ko, wala pang sinumang nakapagpabaliw sa akin nang ganito. Sa makailang beses na nagmahal ako, walang makapapantay sa nararamdaman ko sa kanya ngayon. May nagsabi sa akin, hindi pa raw ganoon kalala ang sitwasyon ko para magpakasira ako ng ganito. Hindi raw kumplikado ang buhay ko, ginagawa ko lang kumplikado.

Siguro nga ay pinalalala ko lang ang sitwasyon ko. Pwede na naman akong mabuhay nang masaya ngayon pa't malaya na ako. Pero paano akong magiging masaya kung sa bawat pagharap ko sa mga araw, sa maraming mga mukhang nakapalibot sa akin, ay may iisang mukha pa ring kakulangan sa akin? Pinili kong lumayo sa kanya upang mahanap ang kaligayahan ko sa tunay na mundo at ngayo'y mamumulat ako sa katotohanang ang iniwan ko ang siyang kailangan ko para maging buo ang aking sarili.

Huli na nga ba ang lahat? Sawa na nga ba kaya siya? Ayaw na nga ba kaya niya na muli akong makasama. Hindi na raw siya nalulungkot pero hindi rin siya masaya. Ako? Kagaya niya ay tumatawa-tawa subalit sa loob ko ay HINDI AKO MASAYA! At oo, malungkot ako... madalas na nasa isang sulok, nakatingin sa kawalan at nag-iisip ng kung anu-ano. Nagsisisi ako kung bakit kailangan pang dumaan ako sa maraming mga pangyayari bago ko masabi sa aking sarili na handa na akong gumawa ng pagbabago para sa kanya.

Gusto kong bumalik. Gusto kong magsimula ulit. Pero gusto pa ba niya? Maniniwala kaya siya gayong hindi na ako karapat-dapat pa para sa pagtitiwala niya. Matagal ko na iyong sinira, mahirap nang ayusin pa... mahirap nang maibalik pa.

May pag-asa pa kaya?

2004-07-11T10:29:14Z

Nilapitan kita at umupo sa tabi mo. Hindi ko maalala kung ano ang mga sinabi ko sa iyo. Ang tanging naalala ko ay ang dalawang salitang naging dahilan ng pamamaga ng mga mata ko hanggang ngayon. Paano nga kung totoo ang sinasabi sa panaginip kong iyon? Paano nga kung hindi iyon isa lamang likha ng isip kong naguguluhan na sa mundo ko ngayon?

Ayoko na!

Akala ko ay hindi ko kailanman maririnig iyon sa iyo. Na kung muli akong magbalik ay matatanggap mo pa ako. Sabi mo sa kanila gusto mo pang bumalik ako. Pero bakit iba ang sinabi mo? Iba sa inaasahan ko.

Ayaw mo na? Hindi ko alam kung paano maipapaliwanag ang sakit na naramdaman ko nang mula sa iyo ay marinig ko ang mga salitang nagpawala sa pag-asang balang araw ay magiging tayo pa rin. Totoo kaya na kung subukan kong muling magbalik ay hindi mo na ako tatanggapin?

Mahal na mahal pa rin kita. At bawat araw na lumipas na hindi na tayong dalawa ay iniisip ko kung tunay nga ba akong naging masaya? Nakukuha ko nga ba ang kasiyahang hinahanap ko na siyang naging dahilan para iwan kita? Sabi ko noon, gusto ko munang lumaya. Gusto ko munang mabuhay na nagagawa ko ang lahat ng gusto ko, na wala akong iniisip na may hahadlang sa mga bagay na magbibigay ng kasiyahan sa mundo kong ito.

At ngayon, nag-iisip na naman ako. At sa pagtitig ko sa kisame mula sa aking pagkakahiga, sa pagdanak ng di mapigilan at patuloy na dumadaloy na mga luha, sa pag-ikot ng sari-saring malalabong pangyayari sa naguguluhan kong isipan, nahanap ko ang katotohanan -- HINDI AKO MASAYA!

Gusto kong bumalik sa iyo ngunit hindi ko alam kung paano kita haharapin. Gusto ko nang magbago. Gusto ko nang patunayan sa iyo kung gaano kita kailangan -- na hindi ako tunay na masaya kapag wala ka. Gusto ko nang maipakita na mahal na mahal kita, na sa kabila ng lahat, dumaan man ang kahit sinong mapapalapit sa akin at maaaring magustuhan ko, mawala ka man sa akin sa gaano mang katagal na panahon -- IKAW LANG.

Sakripisyo, pagbabago. Iyan ang mga pinakamalalaking pagkukulang ko sa iyo. Makasarili ako para isipin lang ang kaligayahan ko at balewalain lahat ng pahihirap mo. Ngayon, ayoko nang isipin na ano bang magagawa ko, sa ganito ako eh. Ayoko nang iasa lahat sa pinaninindigan kong kung tayo ay tayo -- naniniwala ako sa tadhana pero hindi tamang iasa ko lahat sa kanya.

Matatanggap mo pa kaya ako? Natatakot ako na kapag nilapitan kita ay sabihin mo sa akin ang dalawang salitang iyon na mula sa panaginip ko hanggang ngayon ay bumubuyo sa tenga ko -- "Ayoko na!" Pero paano nga kung ayaw mo na talaga? Na tama na sa iyong mahal mo ako at sawa ka nang magpatuloy pa?

Hindi ko alam. Hindi ko alam kung paanong aayusin muli ang pagsasamang sinira nang pagkagago ko. Hindi ko alam kung paano haharap sa iyo at ipaaalam na gusto kong magsimula tayong muli. Alam kong mahirap at alam kong tila imposible para sa isang katulad ko ang magbago. Pero ngayon, hindi ko ipapako ang sarili ko sa 'Hindi ko kaya, ganito talaga ako.' Gusto ko namang maiparinig sa iyo ang mga salitang hindi man matindi ang dating ay may kahulugan... 'Susubukan ko...'

Masaklap na katotohanan

2004-07-09T12:34:59Z

Freshie Bangs last Tuesday night, July 6, sa Bahay ng Alumni. Ako ung tipo ng taong makikita mo sa ganitong mga okasyon. Basta concert kahit hindi ko kilala lahat ng mga banda at ang kanilang mga kanta gustong-gusto kong pinupuntahan. Astig kasi eh, ang sarap sa pakiramdam kapag kasama ka sa ganito at nakikinig ng local bands.

Hinihintay ko ang Parokya, sobrang gusto ko kasi si Chito kahit sobrang bangag na ang itsura niya. At nang andun na siya sa stage, aba'y sumugod ako sa gitna ng crowd sa kabila ng pagiislamman. Oo, nakikipagslamman ako kahit napagkanipis naman ng katawan ko. Eh ano ngayon, maskulado yata ito.

Naipit ako sa nag-uumpugang mga high nang mga kalalakihan. Aba'y isa-isa na silang nagtutumbahan! Bahala kayo sa buhay niyo! Halos mapasabak na rin ako sa mga nagtutumbahang mga nilalang ngunit sa tibay ko, napadpad ako sa wakas sa isang safe na destinasyon para panoorin ang crush kong si Chito. Iyan talaga ang gusto ko..bandista!

Barkada ang palagi kong kasama sa mga ganitong concert. Masaya sana kung boyfriend ang kasama ko pero anong magagawa ko, ayaw niya sa ganito. Makasama ko man siya, anong magagawa ko kundi umupo sa isang sulok at doon panoorin ang mga bandang gusto ko. Makikipagslamman ba naman ako nang nakaupo. Ni talon nga hindi ko magawa. Isa pa, hello? Kami pa ba?

Kaya ayun, nang mga panahong iyon ay umaasa akong makikita ang tanging crush kong lalaki sa UP. Pangalan lang ang alam ko sa kanya. Tatlong oras lang kaming nagkasama. Pero hayun at hinahanap-hanap ko na siya. Teka, aba'y siya ba iyong nakikita ko?! Malapitan nga. Aba'y siya nga, likod pa lang alam ko na. At ang hikaw na iyon sa kaliwa niyang tenga! Pero, p*+@n9 !n@!!! Sino iyong kasama niya...syota?! Feel ko nga!

Aray ko! Tadhana nga naman kakaiba bumanat. Pasasayahin ka nang saglit at ika'y palulungkutin din. Bakeeet?! Minsan na nga lang magkacrush na lalake eh taken pa! Kung kailan ba naman lakas na ng tama ko dahil nakakita ako ng dancer na gwapo, mabait, astig ang dating. Malaman-laman ko pa kailan lang na sports science ang kurso niya! Aba'y p*+@ naman talaga!

So ano? 2 am umales na ko sa concert na di alam ang patutunguhan. Malungkot sa di ko malamang dahilan. Nakita ko naman kumanta si Chito. Hai, kakaiba na ito. Magulo pa rin ang takbo ng utak ko.

Burn

2004-07-03T06:37:16Z

I woke up last night at around 9:21 pm from my afternoon sleep. I went downstairs to eat yet i did not eat. I don't know why, I just returned to my room and turned the radio on.
I laid on my sister's bed, a mattress that was suppossed to be on the slide which was a part of our double-deck. My mind was blank, as if I was still half asleep, and as it was, I stared blankly at the ceiling.

I don't understand why
See, it's burnin' me to hold onto this
I know this is somethin' I gotta do
But that don't mean I want to
What I'm tryin' to say is that I love you
I just, I feel like this is comin' to an end
And it's better for me to let it go now
Than hold on and hurt you
I gotta let it burn

I listened hard to understand the lyrics of this song until I found myself shedding tears. It started as little drops, then it was accompanied by sobbing and then they flowed like the rains of typhoon Igme. I was drowning myself in tears and deafening myself with the sound I was creating. My clogged nose made the sound even worse.

Why was I crying? Moments like this often hit me. These kinds of songs on the radio bringing back hurting memories and putting my mind into thinking, 'Am I happy this way?', 'Did I do right?', 'Is this what I really want?'

I've tried to do that thing a hundred times. Each time something happens that prevents us from totally breaking up. The most recent was the operation I had undergone -- appendicitis. A month and weeks after, I finally did it. We haven't gotten back since then. I want to, I always did, but this time, I won't...just this time.

You see we were living in definitely opposite worlds. He was an angel, I was too mean. His was peaceful, mine was of rage. It's just like you could never mix fire with water. In our case, I was the fire on the surface of the burning sea. I was on top. I do what I want. He was always there, head bent low,sacrificing, accepting all the pain.

I love him so much.. only him. But that I can't prove having this kind of character. I can't make him see or feel it.I was tough.I hurt but I gather up all the pain and cry it all in one or two sessions. Then I do things over again and cry it out again after long.

And so our relationship has never been smooth ever since. Just the start of it, I guess that is how most relationships work. I let go. For what reason? I wasn't happy with him. I wanted to be free.

Tell me why I should stay in this relationship
When I'm hurtin', baby, I ain't happy, baby
Plus there's so many other things I gotta deal with
I think that you should let it burn

I know he hurts more. I was the sadist, he was the masochist. He stays despite the pain and unhappiness... I can't. Now, I get to do what I want, get to be with whom I
want to. I was happy-but temporarily. Inside me, despite leaving our commitment which I've always failed to put into our relationship,I was guilty. Why did I leave when I could have just sacrifice a bit for him?

Sacrifice -- he said I know not such a thing. I think, too, for I all I thought about was my happiness and not ours. But how could I be happy with him when he hates everything that I want? When I know he cannot accept who and how I am?

Our story is much complicated. I left, leaving everything to destiny. I believe in fate and I hope we really are meant to be. I want to go back to him... I will. But right now I want us to grow as individuals. Pursue the things we want, the little wishes and dreams we've always hoped for. I want us to be the persons we deserve to be. I want us to find who we really are-- our selves that would be ready to start this relationship right again. I want us to spend time in the real world before we enter our greatest dream --- our eternity.

Deep down you know it's best for yourself, but you
Hate the thought of her being with someone else
But you know that it's over, we know that it's through
Let it burn (Let it burn, let it burn, let it burn, burn)
Let it burn
Gotta let it burn

I trust he'll love only me. I will love only him. Whatever or whoever enters his and my life, it will not change anything.. not the love we feel for each other. It isn't over. I let go now... but I'll never let go of our FOREVER.